ramblings about how shit my privileged life is

13th of january 2024

as kid i often dissappeared into my room. there i stoically laid in my bed for hours until... idk. i laid there until no one was around anymore or until next morning. i did nothing. no eating, no occupation of any sorts, often not sleeping, just laying there. i did this when i was upset. i did this at family meetings and such.

i did this again for the first time in a long time. i know it's childish. 2 family members were here. i hated how i behaved, but i couldn't act differently. idk how else to act. i wish i wish i wish i could be different, but it is nothing i can even grasp.

but i noticed something this time. everytime i dissappeared i was upset, not at someone else, but at myself. i hate myself and now i know that i did even back then. i never liked myself, which i always knew, but i also was never indifferent to myself, which i thought. it was always hate, which i felt towards myself. when i laid in bed for hours i did nothing but hated myself. up until now i thought i hated myself since i was around 15, but i did since i was 5 or younger.

i hate myself